I SHUT DOWN TODAY? REFLECTION MODE *__*

I shut down today. I just couldn't get it together. I started to feel very emotional this morning. Maybe because it was 4:30am and I was up looking at my walls; Thinking about my Sat and Sunday Path. Sat. was great, full of laughs and shared moments with others. Sunday was dreadful moments with my family.

I came home Sunday night and was drained. Not wanting to deal with much. Took a shower and seat in the living room wondering. Consumed with tiredness around 3am I headed to sleep, ready to face my Monday.

Then 4:30 am came around and in my zone of trying to sleep again and fight with heavy thoughts, I was up. around 7:30 am I finally got sleepy again and closed my eyes but I woke up around 9:30am and started to cry. My heart weighed very heavy and my spirit couldn't grab a grip of what was going on.


Shattered with emotions and body pain, I knew I didn't feel safe to travel today. I made a decision that bettered me at the moment. I sent my therapist an email note saying I wasn't going to make it today. No sorry no explanation no nothing. Just that I wasn't making it to session today.

I needed to "be still my heart" and dealing with changes of transportation today and the back and forth was not going to be what I needed to do today.

The more I look at my surroundings, the more I'm learning about "who I am." The more I lean towards what my heart and spirit doesn't desire the more "I suffer." 

I might be somewhat complicated right now and emotional to the max. But I'm going to embrace it all and really put thought into it.

I don't want to always do things by the book. I'm not perfect. 

• Maya Angelou said "I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it." 

Today is just one of those days for me.....have u ever been in reflection mode? Where u just analyze why certain people are in your life?

ALL WOMEN SHOULD READ THIS…..AND MEN

THIS IS A POWERFUL STORY…..

 

As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I cant do for myself.

Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.

 

She quickly corrected his thought and stated,

 

“I am not referring to money. ” I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life.”

 

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain.

 

She said “I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don’t need a simple minded man.

 

I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don’t need someone unequally yoked….believers mixed with non-believers is a recipe for disaster. And even if he is a believer, he needs to believe as I do.

 

I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don’t need a financial burden.

 

I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, and strong enough to keep me grounded when I do go through changes. I don’t need a man who is going to purposely bring me grief.

 

I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him and he must respect me.

 

I cannot be submissive to a man who isn’t taking care of his business or who is “messy” in his personal affairs. I have no problem being submissive..but he has to be worthy.

 

God made woman to be a help mate for man. I can’t help a man if he can’t help himself.

If he can’t help himself then he definitely can’t help me.

 

When she finished her spiel, she looked at him.

 

He sat there with a puzzled look on his face.

 

He said, “You are asking for a lot”.

 

“She replied, “I’M WORTH  A LOT.”

I'M IN LOVE WITH MY GODSON. HE HAS BECOME MY HOPE THAT FLOAT!

It's soo special to watch my baby grow into his own person. I love U Kaleb. When I'm around him my hope floats!

He gives me reasons to want to speak and live and just smile again. this is him @ seven months just sitting up watching and remembering all that is around him. 

This moment I had to smile because watching him, looking into his eyes lights my soul. His hands and little feet, his button nose and puffy cheeks. The way he watches me and glares at me when he thinks I'm not watching. His baby scent and the innocence of his soul.

I will always keep u in my heart and in my soul until my last breath. I love U my Kaleb. Madrina luvs U!

U inspire me to keep dreaming and living and loving and sharing. U are my heart of Gold and U will forever be my # 1 GodSon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Michael Bolton - Can I Touch You There

WHAT I LIKE AND LOVE... inner person... ME

I love Converses. I started wearing them back when I was about 17(high school yrs). I became so in love of Converses that I owned just about every color there was in that time.
I even had a pair of Polo Converses and Benetton  Converses.

@ that time the kids in school and in the streets use to say "there go that girl with the cheap sneakers" "what's wrong, ur moms can't offered to buy u a pair of Nikes?"

I had Nikes and Addidas and all kinds but when I put a pair of Converse on... I was comfortable with ME.

I love them soo much that I went and got a pair of Red Converses for my Godson...hahahaha. He is seven months but his God mommy already got him his first pair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Converses I love to wear and I love to own.

I am also a realistic person who can put on a gown and a pair of stilettos shoes, put my conditioned hair up and wear some pearls. I can socialize with greatness and never look like a woman who loves Converses.

I like to be able to put on lipstick and blush, some eyeliner and mascara; To walk out of my home and into the eyes of others... as they gasp from the beauty before them, I flirt with my eyes and simply take in the night.

I'm soo much then just flesh. I'm soul, beauty, strength, passion, I'm wisdom, educated, sweetheart. I'm ME!

I'm the shoulder many need to lean on, I'm the eyes of the beholder, I'm that wind beneath many wings, and I'm Cheddy, who is willing to put her heart out there and make a difference in ones life.

And even though that night might be over, the dress will be taking off, the heels will be back in its box, the makeup will be removed, the shell will be filled with a t-shirt, jeans, and Converses... I WILL STILL BE CHEDDY

 

Maxwell - Fistful Of Tears

Vision Board

• I watched a show this past weekend and a light bulb went on in my head. It was a moment where all stood still and only that part of the show continue. 
• A Vision Board she(the young lady in the show)spoke of. Where your dreams and goals and ambitions are placed. Alive in 3D for you to view every time you come in and out of your room.
• Amazed I was... "A vision board" 
• I have two boards in my room, one has appointments and menus and crap and the other has pics of family and friends. Neither represent ME.

HOW MANY OF US HAVE THESE BOARDS IN THE HOME AND IT DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT US BUT IT TELLS ALL ABOUT OUR STRUGGLES; FAMILY AND FRIENDS?

• I'm about to take control of one thing I have allowed many to control... "ME"
• My ambitions, dreams and goals will continue to live inside of me. So now I will place them all on a vision board so that I may work on them and not work around them.
• Each board will consist of realistic goals,dreams and ambitions.

THE CHANGE WILL BE FOR ME TO HELP MY INNER VOICE ! 

TELL ME IF U WILL CREATE, HAVE CREATED, OR WANT IDEAS TO CREATE A VISION BOARD. 

01 Hour/06 months/10yrs... or a life time

Written on Thursday, April 9, 2009 at 11:47pm

In a world full of passion, of desires, of lust
How long do we wait
How long do we have

In a world full of anger, ambition, and sadness
How much time do have
How much time do we take

As simple as a kiss can be, as gentle as a hug can reach
Will it be enough to heal the broken heart
Will it be enough to endure A shattered soul

Will an hour be enough to reach the one
Will six months be a memory for most
Can ten years really tell the unity between two

And as we grow asking these questions
Trying to make sense
As we hold on to what we think is fallen

Are we truly holding on for life
Are we truly holding on for Destiny
Are we truly holding on for show
Is the fear of being ONE the fear that holds both

One hour, Six months ten years or Life
I hold on to you because my spirit calls out for your spirit
I hold on to you because your laughter completes my laughter
I hold on to you because your words finishes my words
I hold on to you because

I RATHER HOLD ON TO A LIFE TIME!

I was Born July 04th 1973

JULY ... ME

Posted on Saturday, July 04, 2009 at 9:35pm

Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood.Quiet unless excited or tensed.

Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful.

Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly.

Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets.Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally.

Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy.

Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying.

 

There are reasons why parts are highlighted!!!

It is a time to see the spark in the sky.

Written on Saturday, November 14, 2009 at 7:24pm

It is a time to see the spark in the sky.
A time where clearness over takes fearness.
It is a time to shine like the sun above the mountains top.
A time where clouds can't stop the heat from forming.

It is where the greens meet the browns and the glory meets the heavens.
It is here and now not there and later, where hope overflows and laughter;
well... laughter takes over. hahahaha!

It is that passion within that hides and sneaks and celebrates and waits and...
It is that thought of now and where and who and how and... hahahaha!

There must be that place I must go to and I must relate to and I must hold on to and I must grow from.

Because, It's the grown I walk on and the sun I look for and the clouds I sit under for shade; and the comfort of being in that moment at that time in that place.

It's where I need to be... and where I need to go.
It is a time to see the spark in the sky.

Felicita... and the Pearls!

Written on Tuesday, November 17, 2009 at 7:30pm

Words most of the time brings u to a halt. Most times it searches for a question. As we know a question comes with an answer. Fear is that type of word that over powers your ability to go forward with authority.
Trapping your skills, teachings, knowledge, and trust to a motionless march.

The thought of that word "fear" always lurks behind perfectionism. But when you confront your fears... it is you allowing yourself the truth, the right to be human. This act is a saving grace upon your soul to bring a far happier, more productive life.

Is this information true to the naked eye? Is it a way for the lost to find a way back? Or is it just a mere way of bringing information to a page?

A Hot summer day... my Felicita gave me a set of pearls. I looked on with honor and wondered why "me." It was the act of something so kind and not perfect. The act of one person speaking through an object. Felicita wanted something more for me. A preparation of something good to come my way.

Me... afraid of a pen, pencil, paper or the scaffold; I'm not afraid. Not even of a sword... no, I'm not afraid. I am a person who tells the truth wherever I please on a paper, using a pen or pencil.

I engrave my thoughts on white background boards. I'm not afraid! Those white pearls I keep in my heart tightly engraved in my soul. I'm a person with thoughts to her actions... with skills to her movements. I'm Felicita's half. The half she was not. The half she could not. The one giving the name to. The one who held the tools to caring and comforting.

Yes... that was giving to me the day those pearls set place in my hands. And although they didn't leave that summer day... they traveled with me everyday. So think twice and look both ways... for the power of authority, the power of strength is coming like the wind beneath the wings of an eagle; Who flies high upon the skies.

I was asked a question. I was giving an answer. But a choice was not close by.

Written on Tuesday, November 17, 2009 at 5:03pm

 I was asked a question. I was giving an answer. But a choice was not close by.

It is the beat of my heart that keeps me going. There is that inner rhythm that motivates and penatraits. I walk to my own beat of my own drums. And I dance to my on keys.

There is thy sensation of that warm rainbow feeling right after a hot sunny summer; where every thing stops and that rainbow visits your eyes. It tells u to be one with me. To engage in a never ending movement. To reflect in its light.

And that one smile upon my face is felt miles away...its seen from a distance. I want to keep it. I want that warmth to never stop.

The beauty of love...the action of attraction... The mist of that sweet smell between two melodies. Its a song being written and a verse never played.

It is unrepeated... It is unscripted. Take me far away where the kisses won't be interrupted and the body friction won't be stopped. Help me bring that sensation back; back into my body where no-one can reach.

Let it be for me that one song...that one beat...that one key. Come to me and caress my body with your body and let us stop never this forbidden love.

Lay on the comfort of my breast and cuddle with me. Let that question one has for me dissolve and that answer one gave float.

For there is no choice played in this one minute of paused time.

The edge in her seat and the time in her heart!

Written on Sunday, December 6, 2009 at 9:37pm

 

At the edge of her seat she loses herself. In the thoughts of her patients she places her time.

By a clock she keeps time and by the vibration of her blackberry she tracks each message.

By the ring of her phone she continues to help. But it’s her small frame in the edge of the seat, she loses herself to.

These margins exist. They are not meant to contain us but to assure us, that in that moment; that moment is mine.

It’s the way she can read body movement, eye twitching, sadness around the mouth and a head held down.

Not knowing what the unknown at that moment will bring is the strength she assures each session to be.

A power from the education of past educator’s who have educated her. The development of knowledge through a sense of understandings, of hearing and sight.

Oh these margins exist. They are not meant to contain us but to assure us, that in that moment; that moment is mine.

Oh… don’t mistake her for being a push over, for her wit, says other wise.

Her perception and expression speaks louder then the advice she might give.

Her observation is unique and her hope is inspiring. It locks you to want to know; that of tomorrow and deal with yesterday.

Even as a professional she can’t help to be a friend. Someone to rely on, to speak to, to lean on. Even as a professional she is my friend.

Not one you would hang with, share with, spend off business hours with. No…she is not that type of friend. Her Hearing is just to listen… to me.

She is the one you want to visit during business hours with. Spoken words she brings to a close mind.

And yet all this takes place while she sits at the edge of her seat, losing herself in each conversation.

There is no mistaking in her duty; there is no wonder in her time. There is no discomfort.

Only humility takes place and only modest opinions play a role.

Dreams and Goals

A person asked me what are my dreams. To be completely honest... I had to stop and think what are my dreams. They are to be able to open up a cleaning business. I want to have a team, an agency that will come out to homes of famous people and to companies, and make a difference. I also dream of starting my own video company where I can go to events and record their beautiful moments, edit them, add music and backgrounds then gift them with a nice bill. hahahaha My other Dream and Goal is to leave NYC behind and go where the Palms trees are located. I want to start a new beginning and simply remember the past of my days in the Big Apple. I also want to Marry and build my own wonderful family. Grow old with that one person I will love for life. WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS AND DREAMS? WHAT INSPIRES YOU TO MOVE FORWARD?